it's been probably 3 weeks since i took over the platoon. and i guess many lessons have been learnt. somehow, in the short span of these few weeks, i've somehow managed to make decisions, both good and bad, make mistakes, be respected, been undermined, an amalgamation of probably everything i'll ever experience in my life.

my platoon, to put into context, is made up of 14 sgts, 1 of who is the PS. all specialised and trained, unlike me, my first step into PLC SIW was of course, one of trepidation and awe. they are actually more trained than me! how am i supposed to lead a group of people who are more trained than me, who knows the workings of PLC SIW more than me, and even older than me?! honestly, i was at a complete loss. nothing i've learnt in OCS will help. my upperstudies told me that EVERYTHING in OCS is probably useless. apart from ALPs probably?

and 1 thing i've learnt, leadership framework will probably only work in OCS. sgts, are not incapable of comprehending such values and stuff, just dont want to learn about such stuff. 1 thing i bemoan is that they are still in their cadet mode. not fully weaned from the trainings, day offs, nights out are valued as extremely essential for survival. canteen breaks are a 'right', and R&D is weak. they hate regimentation (i mean who doesnt), but to whine or curse at things like area maintenance is really something unbecoming of commanders. i tried to introduce the simple yet extremely applicable concept of CAPS, and it was met with a wall of silence. a note from the PS told me that the platoon 'prefers not to have such speeches'. maybe i talk too much, but im indignant that there are really many lessons that can be drawn from our 2 years here.

besides the fact that leadership, sadly, does not come as second nature to our WOSPEC command, then comes the seemingly authoritarian vicegrip of the higherup. the officers are relaxed and practically gives free rein to the PC, with the caveat that there still will be accountability of the PC's decisions and actions. the WO however, unbashedly seeks to retain if not claim control of the poor platoon. this inevitably results in much confusion and a clouded picture of the hierachy. as much as we intend to work hand-in-hand and have mutual respect, i believe that perhaps measures need to be put into place to prevent YSLs from being pushed over by the more experienced WOs. in my platoon, this resulted also in distrust between the men and the WOs.

as a YSL, you are required to make many many decisions. be it about making the camp pass, ISAC card, or simple decisions like whether to have first and last parade for your platoon, all come with SEVERE consequences. not knowing that you may have to exert authority over the camp pass making process, i nearly was forced to book out every night for the duration when i was only holding on to a day pass. but after much brandishing of the bar and some curt questions, the process was very much expedited. try that on your platoon, and you may be screwed for life. your platoon will probably hate you for life the single solitary moment you accidentally use your rank to instill some discipline into them. the fine fine line between losing the platoon and losing the platoon is, as can be seen, a lose lose situation. it's not about crossing the line. it's about BALANCING ON THE FREAKING LINE. you have to not use your authority much to retain their respect, yet must make sure they do not leapfrog over your head because you are too soft. and we as newly commissioned officers, barely 2 weeks after commissioning, have to do this. i respect every single YSL, from the very first batch till now for this simple reason.

i just got my platoon to give me a short writeup about themselves before they booked out yesterday, and i was just reading them a moment ago. i was very amused - and still am - because it's through this that i see who trusts me the most. ranging from the outright sentence, 'i dont think you need to know anything about my life' to 'i havent actually said much about myself under this veil of words' to 'i hope to get to know you better as our PC and hope that we can be buddies during course'. it shows me who the leader of the platoon is, who are the quiet ones, who belong to which clique and how they might interact as a whole. i think this is useful and would recommend to new PCs who wish to try something new to know their platoon. unknowingly, despite their protective barriers set up around themselves, they have given us a key to their dungeons. also i've learnt that as much as you may trust your men, they may not trust you, and will take your trust as a weakness. im not asking you not to trust, but just to remain wary, and always have contingencies in case they breach it or use it against you.

there's this thing about command responsibility i wanted to espouse during my term. i may not have had much of the chance to do so yet, seeing that they are still in a lull period, but certain decisions have impacted me deeply. 3 of them requested off from me (to escape from a certain activity that day), and i gave it to them, trusting that they had the sense of responsibility to give their all and think about the platoon, but alas, it was not meant to be. i learnt from a MSG that they were not allowed to use off to escape from activities. when the truth hit me, i just did not want to do anything but sit in my cubicle and shut myself out. as he was scolding them in the office, i just sat in my chair and thought about how i managed to screw up so early in my term. my waters were tested without me knowing, and they easily swam across into my stronghold to feel the toughness of the walls. 1 more mistake, and they will be at the gate, breaching it with a bangalore, and going for my heart. but i must hold myself responsible for this error, that they have been too lax and i must step up on R&D! (but refer to the earlier paragraphs and dilemma much?)

these 3 weeks have been slow yet eventful, and i have learnt a lot. but not enough. i feel like im still grappling for driftwood in the midst of a swirling ocean. i need a boat to come and save me, or at least larger pieces of wood to keep me afloat, although it would mean more splinters - more pain - to clamber upon. leadership is no easy task and is a continual process. i wish all the PCs, OCs, COs and anyone in a position of command all the best and good luck. happy chinese new year!

;i hope i stop screwing up..

<3 God! | 10:36 PM

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